LGBTQ Families: On the Outside Looking In

A few days ago we asked which candidate for president is most likely to support you and your family? We've been thinking alot about this question over the last year or so and perhaps you have too.

As we weigh the various positions of each Presidential Candidate, we always try to determine which of them is more likely to govern in a way that best reflects our philosophy about the world -- about what is right and what is true.

Prognosticators have already weighed in on how the candidates might deal with issues like the war, the economy, health care, the environment and other pressing matters of the day. You can compare the candidates here and here.

Regarding LGBTQ rights, we can pretty much rule out all of the Repugnicans -- most of whom are still catering to the wing-nut fundies.

Unfortunately, other than making vague statements about being generally supportive of LGBTQ rights, none of the Democratic Candidates provide detailed descriptions about how that will work to make like better for our families. And none of the three "front runners" seem to support the one issue that matters most to our family – marriage equality.

It isn’t that the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are not important to us. They are. Yet regardless of which candidate gets elected, we are concerned that the multi-national military industrial complex (which permeates our government) will not give up an inch of their war-mongering without making a huge stinky smoke screen of a propaganda fiasco that will leave us all scratching our heads in wonder and hiding under our beds in fear.

We can only hope that whoever takes over the controls in January 2009 is realistic (or idealistic) enough to recognize the game and try to dismantle it without getting themselves assassinated in the process.

As for health care -- since we have no health care coverage for ourselves, we are deeply concerned about it. We hope a Democratic President will start to clear the way for universal health care – but we also know that goal requires a steep climb against the odds as the champion of that cause will be inundated with Swift-Boat-like lies and accusations of bringing the dreaded ‘socialism’ to America.

Environmental issues, climate change, a crashing economy and renewable energy matter so much to us that 3 years ago we moved to rural West Virginia where we have been building a house (on 6 acres) with our own hands using recycled materials. The house has 1 foot thick walls and an indoor greenhouse. We will also have an outdoor greenhouse, a huge organic garden as well as chickens (for eggs) and goats (for milk, cheese and as a free lawn mower!).

With little grandchildren constantly exposed to lead-laden toys and about ready to begin public school we care deeply about imports, consumer safety and about education.

But, despite our concern for these and other pressing issues, we still feel that marriage equality is right up there with all of them.

Why?

Because without the respect and dignity that eventually follows governmental sanction of our relationships -- no matter what the next president is able to accomplish in many of the areas we listed above LGBTQ families will still be outside looking in. We will continue to live in a country that thinks we are not deserving of full equality. No matter how much better the economy, the environment, education and health care, our partners and our children will not be able to fully participate. We will still have the choice of seconds or nothing.

And at a time in history that is espousing change as its central theme – we think that it is fair to demand the brass ring for LGBTQ people.

If our next president is able to pull off something as wonderful as universal health care and yet is willing to accept that some of its citizens remain less equal than others, the dream of a changed and more progressive America will remain just that – a dream.

Which Candidate Supports YOUR Family?

The Presidential Candidates On Gay Civil Rights

This article, originally published in the USA Today, claims that "Democrats are divided on same-sex marriage, and some GOP contenders for the White House want to recognize civil unions for gays."

OK, well, we read through all of the candidate's views on LGBTQ issues and cannot find one single Repugnican who supports civil unions while two Democratic candidates support marriage and the rest support civil unions.

So, where is the USA Today getting that there is no clear line between the two parties?

Click on a candidate below to learn more:



A link to this article can be found on today's RainbowZine.

Back on Track

This blog was originally planned as a place where we would write about legal issues that affect – in particular – the LGBTQ Community.

Unfortunately, we've been distracted of late as we witness our government destroying the economy, environment, our health and civil liberties.

With such overwhelming threats, we let our efforts to fight for LGBTQ equality take a back seat to larger issues of life and death.

After a week of reflection, we came to realize that there are thousands of professional journalists, independent, free lance writers and bloggers who daily pull back the curtain to shed light on immoral wars, lies, catastrophes and political shenanigans.

But there is only ONE Rainbow Law.

And, thus, with this entry we are setting our direction back on track and will again take up the cause which is near and dearest to our hearts: writing about your legal rights, pending legislation, community activism and presenting effective methods for protecting your rights, your relationship, and your family.

On Monday we will post the first article in our multi-part series entitled:

Life, Love and Family: A How-to Guide for Navigating Through the Predictable and the Unexpected

Our series begins with a discussion on basic legalities, such as:

• How to Set Up Basic Legal Rights and Responsibilities between Partners;
• How to Change Your Name;
• How to Protect Your Partner from Disapproving Family Members.

We will also help you strategize on difficult issues like breaking-up:

• How to Separate Real and Personal Property;
• Resolving Disputes;
• How to Evict Your Ex ;
• Breaking Legal Ties;
• How to Get Un-Civil-Union-ed or Divorced from another State or Country.

And we'll tell you how to plan for and protect your Children:

• Create Legal Rights between Children and Non-Biological or Adoptive Partners;
• Known and Unknown Sperm Donor Issues;
• Dealing with Schools;
• Authorize Partner to Consent to Medical Treatment of your Minor Children.

We will delve into matters of property and home ownership:

• Rights of Survivorship;
• How to Add Your Partner’s Name to Your Deed;
• Different Types of Deeds.

And, we will explain the complexities of Estate Planning concerns in an easy to understand format:

• Wills & Trusts;
• Advance Directives;
• Probate;
• After the Death of a Partner;
• When Your Partner’s Family Challenges Your Legal Rights;
• Disinherit Disapproving Family Members.

We will also focus on special issues of interest to older or disabled Lesbians and Gay Men:

• Keeping Your Home after Receiving Medicaid;
• Retirement Communities and Nursing Homes.

These are just some of the topics we will be covering each week.

We welcome and appreciate any ideas from you. Please submit your ideas or suggestions in the comment section or, if you would prefer privacy, send us an email.

Until then, remember: nothing is worth more than this very minute!

Of Feasts and Family

On Thanksgiving Day, I was reminded about how far we – the LGBTQ Community – have come as I stood in the kitchen and witnessed an exchange of a sweet little kiss between our 24 year old, lesbian daughter Katie (L) and her partner, Meghan (R).

At that moment I felt so proud of our family. No one – not our heterosexual daughter, Kylie, her husband Darren, our son, Colin, or grandchildren, Jareth and Eowyn, had even a hint of discomfort in the presence of this public display of affection (PDA).

It was as natural as breathing.

This year, as always, we chose to spend Thanksgiving with our children and grandchildren. And although we were invited to join in a larger family gathering with our siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, we (as we do each year) politely declined.

We turned down the invitation because we KNOW there are unspoken, familial rules that we would be required to follow. In front of our extended family, we must NEVER, under any circumstances:

• Hold hands with one another;

• Embrace;

• And, especially, kiss.

We know from experience when we violate ANY of these rules, all happy chatter abruptly stops and the conversation faucet is turned OFF.

Uneasiness takes the place of harmony.

Warmth and friendliness turns to silence, distance and distrust.

Interestingly, this NO TOUCH policy does not extend to others. With abandon, we are permitted to fling our arms around our brothers, sisters, the children and even opposite-sex in-laws.

WE JUST CAN’T TOUCH EACH OTHER.

To do so would rub their noses in our LESBIANISM. And, we all know what THAT means:

S-E-X!

Our painful “family holiday” experience is one that is shared by many LGBTQ people.

That is why, when we grow up, we tend to construct our own family, consisting of other “orphaned” gay men, lesbians and our supportive straight friends.

This lack of validation and understanding by our closest family members may be the most important distinction between the experience of LGBTQ people and members of other minority groups.

Most people of color, Jews, and other minorities are raised within a family where their parents, siblings, and other friends and relatives experience oppression and discrimination as a group. And although society and the legal system may be cruel and unfair, this shared experience can create a sense of belonging, validation and understanding.

This is not true for gay and lesbians -- our experience is much different. Many of us are strangers – isolated and alone -- in the midst of our own families.

I was reminded of this difference when watching Bill Moyers’ Journal on PBS last Sunday night. At the end of his show he featured Bernice Johnson Reagon, founder of the singing group, Sweet Honey in the Rock.

Moyers asked Reagon if she could explain why -- even as they suffered in slavery -- Blacks seemed to celebrate their culture and their lives in story and song. Reagon responded:

“You might not have money. You might not have blah, blah, blah. But you've got this culture that empowers you as a unit in the universe and places you and makes you know you are a child of the universe. When the culture is strong, you've got this consistency where Black people can grow up in these places with this voice just resonating about our special-ness in the universe. And I always say you're in trouble if you get too far away from that core that grounds you.”

According to the Journal of Homosexuality, “Gay and lesbian children are often aware of being different at a very early age. They generally become aware of their sexual orientation during adolescence or early adulthood.” (R.R. Troiden, "The Formation of Homosexual Identities", The Journal of Homosexuality, 17, 43-73).

This means that unlike other minorities, LGBTQ children face humiliation, shame, and rejection in school, at home, in church, by family members, friends and the government.

Hardly an atmosphere or culture that encourages self-respect and confidence.

But at least in our family -- for our children and grandchildren -- we have given them a sense of belonging. A knowledge that no matter what insanity exists in the whole, wide and cruel world, they are safe with us.

Move over internalized homophobia and pass the stuffing.

Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving began as a celebration of a bountiful harvest and has evolved to become a holiday where we spend time with our family, friends and loved ones to reflect upon the many blessings bestowed upon us over the year.

As lesbian civil rights activists, we are thankful:

• First and foremost, that we share our lives together, for our love and strong commitment to one another, to our family and to our community;
• For our children: two daughters, Kylie (and her husband Darren), Katie (and her partner Meghan), son, Colin, parents, Hedy and Dick, and beautiful grandchildren, Jareth and Eowyn;
• For good friends;
• For our good health;
• That we have enough food, warm clothing and a self-made roof over our heads;
• Finally, that we are blessed with an ability to give back to our community via our activism and writing.

We are also grateful for the progress made since last November in the advancement of LGB rights:

• The House of Representatives approved the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) which offers protection from workplace discrimination against gays, lesbians and bisexual employees based on sexual orientation;
• An amendment to the Massachusetts constitution banning equal marriage rights was defeated in June, keeping marriage safe in that one and only state where it is available to gays and lesbians – at least until 2012;
• A similar amendment banning marriage equality was also defeated this year in Arizona;
• And lastly, it seems (with the exception of marriage equality), the National Democratic Party has finally embraced the issue of civil rights and legal protections for the LGBTQ community.

And while we appreciate these gains, we must remember that the battle for equality rages on.

The best way to counter the wing-nut's lies and cruel gutter-style tactics is to continue to live out and proud.

The truth about our ordinary and everyday lives is the only antidote for the negative stereotypes used to incite fear and hatred against our families.

Have a great holiday! See you next week!

Still at the ENDA the Line

Yesterday, the House of Representatives passed the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA), albeit without protections for Transgendered employees.

Although we are deeply disappointed that the approved version of the bill does not include our Transgendered sisters and brothers, we recognize that yesterday's vote was historic.

For more than 20 years, advocates for workplace protections for LGBTQ people have been working tirelessly for this legislation. We often wondered whether we would live to see the day that a majority in either House of Congress would vote to support our right NOT to get fired simply for loving someone.

As the song says, The Times, They Are A-Changing... yet, lest we forget, we are just one-third of the way to the finish line.

Keep in mind that the Senate has yet to vote on ENDA because we are still waiting for Senator Ted Kennedy to introduced it!

And even if the Senate does pass an ENDA bill while Bush is still in office, he has promised a veto.

Still, with all of the hurdles that remain, we feel it is important to recognize this moment as a reflection of how far we've come and how much further we must travel before we become full and complete American Citizens.

Please take a moment to watch this short clip of Representative Barney Frank's emotional plea for his colleagues to vote in favor of ENDA:





We hope you will call Barney Frank and thank him for NOT abandoning the LGBT Community -- even though he has many of the legal rights and protection that remain unavailable to the rest of us.

Representative Frank can be reached at (202) 225-5931 or emailed via a web form on his website.