On Thanksgiving Day, I was reminded about how far we – the LGBTQ Community – have come as I stood in the kitchen and witnessed an exchange of a sweet little kiss between our 24 year old, lesbian daughter Katie (L) and her partner, Meghan (R).
At that moment I felt so proud of our family. No one – not our heterosexual daughter, Kylie, her husband Darren, our son, Colin, or grandchildren, Jareth and Eowyn, had even a hint of discomfort in the presence of this public display of affection (PDA).
It was as natural as breathing.
This year, as always, we chose to spend Thanksgiving with our children and grandchildren. And although we were invited to join in a larger family gathering with our siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, we (as we do each year) politely declined.
We turned down the invitation because we KNOW there are unspoken, familial rules that we would be required to follow. In front of our extended family, we must NEVER, under any circumstances:
- Hold hands with one another;
- Embrace;
- And, especially, kiss.
We know from experience when we violate ANY of these rules, all happy chatter abruptly stops and the conversation faucet is turned OFF.
Uneasiness takes the place of harmony.
Warmth and friendliness turns to silence, distance and distrust.
Interestingly, this NO TOUCH policy does not extend to others. With abandon, we are permitted to fling our arms around our brothers, sisters, the children and even opposite-sex in-laws.
WE JUST CAN’T TOUCH EACH OTHER.
To do so would rub their noses in our LESBIANISM. And, we all know what THAT means:
S-E-X!
Our painful “family holiday” experience is one that is shared by many LGBTQ people.
That is why, when we grow up, we tend to construct our own family, consisting of other “orphaned” gay men, lesbians and our supportive straight friends.
This lack of validation and understanding by our closest family members may be the most important distinction between the experience of LGBTQ people and members of other minority groups.
Most people of color, Jews, and other minorities are raised within a family where their parents, siblings, and other friends and relatives experience oppression and discrimination as a group. And although society and the legal system may be cruel and unfair, this shared experience can create a sense of belonging, validation and understanding.
This is not true for gay and lesbians -- our experience is much different. Many of us are strangers – isolated and alone -- in the midst of our own families.
I was reminded of this difference when watching Bill Moyers’ Journal on PBS last Sunday night. At the end of his show he featured Bernice Johnson Reagon, founder of the singing group, Sweet Honey in the Rock.
Moyers asked Reagon if she could explain why -- even as they suffered in slavery -- Blacks seemed to celebrate their culture and their lives in story and song. Reagon responded:
“You might not have money. You might not have blah, blah, blah. But you've got this culture that empowers you as a unit in the universe and places you and makes you know you are a child of the universe. When the culture is strong, you've got this consistency where Black people can grow up in these places with this voice just resonating about our special-ness in the universe. And I always say you're in trouble if you get too far away from that core that grounds you.”
According to the Journal of Homosexuality, “Gay and lesbian children are often aware of being different at a very early age. They generally become aware of their sexual orientation during adolescence or early adulthood.” (R.R. Troiden, "The Formation of Homosexual Identities", The Journal of Homosexuality, 17, 43-73).
This means that unlike other minorities, LGBTQ children face humiliation, shame, and rejection in school, at home, in church, by family members, friends and the government.
Hardly an atmosphere or culture that encourages self-respect and confidence.
But at least in our family -- for our children and grandchildren -- we have given them a sense of belonging. A knowledge that no matter what insanity exists in the whole, wide and cruel world, they are safe with us.
Move over internalized homophobia and pass the stuffing.
